Confessions

So, I have been debating on whether to post this on my blog or not. My friend is writing a paper on the LDS Mom and I decuded to help her with some thoughts and insights that I have had since making the transition from full time worker/mom to full time mom. Helping her out made me decide to just make a post out of it. So here goes.

I had my first baby 3 and a half years ago. At the time my husband and I were not in a position for me to stop working or to even go to working part-time.  My husband was still going to school and trying to get into Grad School.  It was a sacrifice I made, knowing that once he had accomplished his goals, I would be able to work on mine, and become a stay at home mom.

Working full time with a new baby wasn't easy. I always felt that guilt that I should be home with him, instead of out in the workforce. People at church didn't make it any easier. I felt like there were some out there judging me because I was still working and not at home. It was hard, but I knew my baby was in good hands. Probably better hands than mine. I was lucky enough to have my sister, sister-in-law, mom, and even my niece watch my child. I didn't have to worry about daycare because I had so many willing family members who were there to help me. That made leaving each day for work a little bit easier.

It was hard working all day, then coming home and only having a few hours to spend with my little one. That's probably why I let him stay up longer than I should, so I could spend as much time with him as I could before it was off too bed for him.

So Let's fast forward to today. I now have 2 adorable loving children, my husband is in Grad School, and I am at home with my kids.  My last day of work was May 31, 2013. I had all these grand ideas about what it would be like to be at home with my kids all day. Things would be so perfect, we would play outside, do crafty things, have fun together. The house would always be clean and there would always be dinner on the table when dad got home right?

It didn't take me too long to realize those were quite lofty dreams. I got quite depressed and angry with myself a short while ago because I didn't feel that I was accomplishing anything during the day. I mean there were some days I didn't even get dressed! I felt like I was failing at my job and that maybe my kids would be better off if I went back to work.

 Being at home the last four months has been THE hardest "job" I have ever had. I could work all day unloading the biggest truck with heaviest trees and plants and still not be as tired as I am after a day at home with the kids.  I mean these kids look to me for everything! At least when I was working I could delegate stuff (especially the stuff I didn't want to do myself) As a "stay at home mom" you don't have that luxury. It's all up to you. Those kids rely on you to get it together.  You can't call in sick, you can't play hooky, you can't check out 10 minutes early, you have to be there for them every day, every minute, every second of every day.

My cousin and I were talking at a family reunion and she said she has had a couple of friends who worked, then decided to stay at home with their kids, and ended up going back to work because they just could take being home all the time. I can totally relate! Now I don't know what their reasons for going back to work were, but if I were to go back to work it would  simply be because it would be so much EASIER! It would be so much easier for someone else to raise my kids, to discipline them when they are being naughty, to entertain them all day, to teach them the things they need to know to be successful contributors to this society. (Especially since my mom was doing most of the watching these days, I don't know of a better teacher than her.)  Yes, for me, it would be much easier to be back in the workforce putting my responsibility of mom onto someone else.

I have realized that having an immaculate house, every day of the week is not a realistic dream. While dinner is more important, it's not necessary that it be a home made meal made from scratch every night either. What I have learned the last four months is this: My kids are what are important. My house may be messy, with toys and clothes all over the place, but it is not dirty, it's not and unsafe environment them. Again, my kids are what's important, not my house. The time I spend with my kids is the most important time spent. They may not always behave 100% the way I would like them too, but they are still my kids and right now they need the love and attention, more than my home does. After all, I stopped working to be with them, not with my home. I have learned to let things go, which has been the hardest. So I didn't get anything accomplished on my to do list today, that's okay, there is always tomorrow, but my kids needed me today and I was there for them, so it was not a completely lost day.

As a member of the church we learn from the time we are young that it is a women's role to nurture our children, to give them a safe loving home for them to grow up in. I believe with all my heart that this is true. There is no greater calling than being a mother. And as a mother we have certain responsibilities that our ours and ours alone. I believe that the best place for a mother is at home with her kids. It is hard, and there are days that I wonder why I ever decided to stop working. But then there are days that I wouldn't want to have it any other way.

I know that there are reasons why mothers have to go out and work, I was in the same situation, and I will never judge another woman for working outside the home. I saw too much of that in my brief time as a mom working outside the home. I found this blog post the other day, that says everything I have been feeling the last couple of months. http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/ here is a link to it for those of you who want to read. He says it so much better than I could.

I know that I am where I am supposed to be, no amount of money will ever change that. I am grateful that my husband supports me in this decision and he is working so hard to be able to provide for our little family. It hasn't been easy, especially since moving away from everything we have ever known, and entering the big world of the unknown, and it will probably be an uphill battle, but it will be worth it.  While I may feel very inadequate at times as a mother, I know in my heart that as a mom, the best thing for my children is to be at home with them.

For people who think stay at home mom's have it easy, I would invite you to come join any one of us for a day, oh how your eyes will quickly be opened, just like mine were.